I have been very adamant that after five pregnancies and only 2 children I was not going to become pregnant again. I don't think I could handle a loss again. We knew that God wanted us to adopt a child before we had G man four years ago. We have been praying and impatiently waiting for God's timing to be right and this adoption to take place. (I have been more impatient as of late then Cory has been.) It seems that lately my facebook is filled with pregnancy announcements, adoption announcements, and baby showers or newborn pictures. I love seeing others announcements of life but it is making me very impatient!! Okay so lets get back on topic!!! The topic being that I have made it a point that I will not become pregnant again because I fear the what if of a loss of that pregnancy.
I attended my second Women of Faith event earlier this month and you know that feeling you get during a sermon that God is speaking (or yelling) to only you, well yeah the entire event I knew God was talking to me. I didn't really know what he wanted besides for me to pay attention until Angie Smith spoke. She spoke about living her entire life with intense fear and how God helped her through this time. I don't deal with intense fear in my daily life so why did her story touch me? She spoke about her daughter and how her family was able to love on this beautiful baby for less then one day before she was gone. This broke me! It made me mad that I won't get to see my babies again until glory and that she won't get to see her child again until glory either. Then she asked if everyone in the arena who have suffered the loss of a child of any kind (death, miscarriage, still born, death of an adult child) to stand. When I stood up and saw all the other broken hearted women around me it crushed me and there standing in an arena with many others I bawled. I realized that it wasn't anger anymore that I felt but fear. I have said for so long that there would be no more pregnancies for me because I was fearful of the what if. What if the next pregnancy ends too soon, what if the next pregnancy ends like Russ and I have to deliver a beautiful lifeless child, or what if I have a beautiful baby for less then a day??? The what if had won in my life. Because of the fear I put on my life I was ready to take God out of it and just say no! Angie Smith ended her session with this (I don't remember verbatim) don't live in a fear or an affliction that God hasn't put on you. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and it can leave me infertile. My God is bigger then infertility and bigger then PCOS. He has proven that over and over again in my life alone. Why have I let the what if take over when I know God is bigger then the what if? I am ready to let go of the what if. Stop right there Momma (yes I mean you mom!!!) I am not going to get pregnant immediately!! Let me repeat that because I know she needs to hear it again ;) Momma I am not going to get pregnant right away!!! I am just saying that whether our family is suppose to grow by adoption only, pregnancy only, or both I am open to the Lord's timing and will for it to happen. :)
And now just because I love them so much here are some more pictures of my precious kiddos!!
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